Down Time

Down time kills me. Although I am at the end of my first season, there isn’t a whole lot going on. We wrapped up the regular season championship and will soon begin the conference tournament.

I guess the down time I’m referring to is my own involvement in LGBT rights. I haven’t blogged or written anything in over 2 months and it has felt much longer than that. I sometimes feel like I’m not doing my part to help make things better.

I have really connected with two recent events due to the familiarity of them. The first one being the young man out of Queens University in Canada. Bryan Fautley just finished his volleyball career there this year. I immediately connected to this article because it is about a male volleyball player. Bryan wasn’t out when he first began his playing career because he “knew” that sport and homosexuality don’t coexist. He was so bothered by being in the closet and experiencing the type of homophobic language being used that he left the team. The story works out in the end with Bryan returning to the team. He was even able to see first hand the change he helped create because there was an out freshman on the team during his final year.

The other event just happened recently. New York University athletics created an “It Gets Better” video. The video showcases many, if not all, teams and different coaches and administrators. This moved me. The charge was lead by Jay Hayes, who is the captain of the men’s volleyball team at NYU. He is also gay. Jay simply wanted to do something that was going to be beneficial to society.

It is nice to keep reading so many different articles from all over the world. It means that people are beginning to accept themselves more and more. The taboo of being gay in sports is becoming a thing of the past. It has also been great seeing the NHL take part in the “You Can Play Project.” I love seeing this because I grew up watching the Detroit Red Wings and the NHL is close to my heart. The Red Wings have yet to take part in it…maybe I should call Mr. Illitch…

I recently had a brief conversation with some other assistant coaches about the use of homophobic slurs. I explained to them that they don’t have a place in society. It made me feel good. The other coaches seemed to be receptive. I’m not sure if things have changed for their respective teams but the conversation happened and hopefully it stays with them the next time they go to use a homophobic slur in the heat of the moment.

I have my own personal goal to continue to speak out for equality, specifically in sports. I think it bothers me so much that I haven’t written anything or physically contributed because it is something that I hold very close to my heart. It is important to me to make athletics a safe place for LGBT people.

Change is happening. We are in the midst of it. Acceptance is happening internationally, nationally, and locally. More and more people are beginning to see that sexual orientation has no bearing on whether or not you can play sports. Most importantly, more and more people are beginning to understand that there is nothing wrong with being gay.

Urgent message to those behind closed doors

I am just a little past the midway point of my first season as an "out" coach. It has been largely gratifying with few, if any, hiccups. I was hired in May of 2011; a month or so after an article was written about me on outsports.com. I am so happy and thankful for the article. I was inspired by those who had articles written about them and I saw how much it helped me and I wanted to help others in return. I received many emails from people all over the country. All were positive. They shared their own lives with me. Some were out and others were still closeted. Some were athletes and others were just sports fans.

I have had such great reception from both the men and women's volleyball teams. I was in a team meeting with the guys in late August when the students were returning to campus. It was important to me that I share with them my homosexuality from the start. I wanted to share that part of me and begin building trust. I didn’t want to go back into the closet and not share my life with them. I was incredibly nervous and my heart was racing. It was well received and they really didn't comment all that much. Some of them had a stunned look on their face, while others already knew because they read the article. Within the next few days I was approached by some of the guys and they gave me their support and let me know that they "have my back". It was a major relief. I could do what I came here to do. Coach.

A few weeks later, a young woman approached me on the women's team. She is a member of the newspaper and asked me if I would give an interview about being a gay coach. After talking it over with the head coach (and by talking, I mean I asked him if it would be ok and he said of course), I told her that I would. The article was written and published in the September issue of the university newspaper. I was happy that I gave the interview. I felt it was important for the students on campus to know that they have a resource to use. I also felt it was important that the athletic department knew that I was an out, gay man.

Things were fairly quiet and I didn't receive anything but positive feedback from the interview. I was approached later on during September and was asked to give a speech at the meeting of the Spectrum Club. It is the university's gay/straight alliance. The date was set for October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. I was incredibly nervous and hesitated to answer. I love what I do and I don't care for the spotlight. I would rather work behind the scenes and help others achieve. I knew it was important to give the speech. I reluctantly said yes and began preparing my speech.

One morning, I was in my office, when the village pastor came in. He wanted to know if I would be interested in reading a scripture verse at church the day after I give my speech. I told him that I was interested but wouldn't commit for a few different reasons. The first being my job security. I was concerned that some board members or the president would be in attendance and seek to get rid of me. (I'm not sure why this didn't cross my mind when I gave the interview) He reassured me that the university is committed to inclusion and works to provide an umbrella of safety for all of the students and faculty. He also told me that he would not let that firing happen and that he was in my corner along with many other people within the administration. The second reason I was reluctant was because I didn't want to be viewed as endorsing the church. This is all coming at a time when the extreme religious right is seeking to take away rights for the LGBT community. He began to share with me details about his life and reassured me that those right wing extremists don't speak for everyone. I told him that I would like to think about it. After going home that night and talking it over with my boyfriend, I decided that I would read the scripture.

The day came for me to give my speech. There was somewhere around 50 people there and I was told that was a lot for their meetings. Both volleyball teams were in attendance. The women even cut practice short to be able to come and listen. It was a great experience. People came up to me afterwards and thanked me and asked questions. I received nothing but positive comments. The next day I read the scripture verse at church. The pastor gave his sermon about inclusion and loving all of God's children. It was great to hear and it's even better to see him everyday practicing what he preaches.

I share these experiences because they are all great and positive experiences. I can’t imagine living life in the closet and not being able to help change people’s minds about homosexuality. It is painful to read about gay teen suicides. I am a teacher at heart and this hits me the hardest. It’s up to us to make sure that the future generations have a safe and inclusive environment to grow up in. It is important for us to realize the position that we are in as coaches and athletes. We can make a change and a difference.

I was nervous about starting my new job and shared that with some of the members of ECA (Equality Coaching Alliance). They threw their support my way and reassured me they will help me in any way possible, including legal action. The group is ever growing with allies from all walks of life joining. The support is there and the safety nets are spreading throughout the country. It’s time for a change. It’s time for coaches and athletes come out and help make athletics safe.

I hope that closeted coaches and athletes will read this and gain inspiration. I hope that they will realize how important it is to come out and help make things better for the next generation. I hope that those who are thinking about coming out do so and it is my hope that those who are closeted begin to seriously think about coming out and realize all of the good things that will happen.

Athletics is sometimes referred to as the last closet and it’s time we opened the doors.

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Harvard wrestlers stand up on Coming Out Day

Members of the Harvard wrestling team showed their support as allies during National Coming Out Day, according to the Harvard Crimson:

Before their Tuesday afternoon practice, members of the Harvard varsity wrestling team posed for a picture on the steps in front of the Malkin Athletic Center. But instead of sporting their team uniforms in this photo, the athletes came in gay pride attire and rainbow pins that read “Proud Ally.”

In honor of National Coming Out Day, the men chose to wear the pins in solidarity with the BGLTQ community.

Harvard College Queer Students and Allies co-president Emma Q. Wang ’12 said that this year the student group wanted to emphasize the importance of coming out as an ally.

“Sometimes it’s difficult to be very vocal as an ally,” she said. “We want them to feel included because they play such an important role.”

What new Warriors executive can do to help build acceptance in sports

The Golden State Warriors this week  introduced their new president and chief operating officer: Rick Welts, who came out publicly as gay in May while he was the chief executive with the Phoenix Suns.

Fear of job loss and the fear of never being able to land another job once their secret is out of the closet holds back many LGBT individuals at all levels in the sports world. Welts' hiring by the Warriors is perhaps even more historic and significant than his original coming out because it is the first time a top-tier executive who is already out has been hired by a men's pro sports franchise.

What difference can Welts make in the culture of acceptance in the NBA? An editorial in the Bay Area Reporter opines:

There are several things Welts can do to help professional sports, particularly basketball, break down barriers regarding gay issues. Whether it be players tweeting homophobic slurs or athletes making anti-gay taunts on the field, such incidents are all too common in today's hyper media environment. Athletes, many of whom earn several million dollars a season, seem to believe they are entitled to bash gays. The whole culture of professional sports is ripe for an intervention, and Welts can certainly do his part for the NBA. Having an openly gay man at the top of an organization is the most visible aspect.

But at the press conference, Welts said that he didn't think he needed to specifically address his sexuality with the team. "I don't think there's much mystery about it," he said. "The front page of the New York Times is a pretty good place to publicize it." We would urge him to reconsider that stance. At the same time, he also said that he believes a culture of silence permeates sports. What better way to break that silence than to talk with the team? Some players (and coaches and other personnel) may have questions or may just want to ask Welts what it's like to be out in pro basketball. He said that by his being out he hoped to "elevate the quantity and quality of discussion." That would seem to indicate that a conversation with the team is warranted.

He also didn't say anything about adopting a zero tolerance policy for homophobic slurs in practices and in the locker room – areas that are often away from the glare of the media and the places that such comments are most often made without thought. That, too, is an area that Welts should address.

The Personification of Fear

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. -FDR

Fear is something that hinders everyone. Can anyone truly say that they are fearless? Think of all of the different situations where fear has kept you from doing something? Do you have any big regrets? Did you come up with any situations where fear dictated what you did?  I did. I also came up with situations where fear gave its best effort and failed. I came out to friends, family, colleagues, and the workplace. Fear was trying to control my life. Trying to keep the closet door shut. It was trying to keep me isolated. Fear was trying to keep me away from being the best version of myself.

Fear is something that we each give power to. If I can continue to come out time and time again, then maybe you who are crippled with fear will see that fear is nothing more than a thought. Maybe then you will see that the world, your workplace, isn’t all that terrifying. Maybe then you’ll see that those around you love you even more because you are sharing your whole self with them. There is a good chance they’ll respect you even more.

So, if I can continue to silence my fear and realize those time I am giving it power, then I will. If it provides encouragement to those who are still hidden, then I will. I will keep speaking, keep writing and keep reaching out to those who are fearful of life without fear.

Thanks for the inspiration Roger.

Sexual Orientation added to NFL CBA

http://outsports.com/jocktalkblog/2011/09/24/nfl-adds-sexual-orientation-protection-to-collective-bargaining-agreement/

An ally taking a stand

I came across this article this morning about Charles Barkley taking a stand for gay rights. It's refreshing to see someone with his stature take a stand on an important issue. Straight allies are an important factor in making athletics save for LGTB people.

http://thinkprogress.org/alyssa/2011/09/13/317502/charles-barkley-gay-rights-hero/